wondering what if?

At some point in your life, you will wonder, what if?

My biggest what if was with “my” Mr. Big. The keyword is was. For whatever reason, our timing always sucked. He was ready and I wasn’t ready. I was ready and he wasn’t ready. The two scenarios played out multiple times in the course of the 15+ years that I’ve known him. I’ve come to an understanding about us. Timing’s important, of course, but we never really wanted each other enough to make it work.

It’s not as if we didn’t know we loved each other. He’s told me many times in the past he loves me and will always love me. The final time I saw him, I flew up to NYC for one last ditch effort to try and make us work. Everything seemed pretty good at first, but slowly over the weekend, things started falling apart. I was in tears by Sunday and he was looking worn around the edges. I told him as I left, if he let me go, that this was it.

He let me walk away from him; I was devastated; yet, I wished it had happened sooner.

The hardest thing I ever learned in love was how to let him go.

Mr. Big wasn’t just any old boyfriend; he was my first love. We met each other right before high school and we’d known each other for more than half of our lives. That’s something we’re never going to share with anyone else, because those times have come and they have gone. We aren’t what we once were, and we were never going to be the same again.

We still communicate every now and then, but we aren’t close anymore. The most tragic thing is that I lost my oldest, dearest friend.

Goodbyes hurt, even when they’re necessary and even more when you know they’re permanent.

I will miss him because I loved him.