what matters most

“Where there is love there is life.” -Mahatma Gandhi

The start of 2018– the month of January– was a tumultuous time for me. I went through a major breakup, got sick/lost weight, and moved out of the apartment I shared with Orchestra Teacher. Then I got a massive wake up call, literally. Cousin JT called me in the morning and she never calls me when I’m at work. I picked up and she was in tears. I knew immediately something was very, very wrong.

I listened to her detail everything that was going on and I was so stressed for her because even though she’s my cousin, she’s more like a sister to me. Basically, she told me that her baby was coming and it was too early. She kept saying, she’s not ready and the baby’s not ready.

I had been planning to come see her for her baby shower, instead I was going to see her at the hospital. The last time I was this stressed was two years ago when my mother and uncle both went through cancer at the same time. I packed my bags, hopped on a plane, and flew home.

I spent a good chunk of the weekend in the hospital with her while she was on bed rest (holding on as long as she could). We didn’t do anything special; we spent most of the time talking. We did this a lot when we were younger and just hanging out, except this time the situation had a lot more gravity. People came and went and when the weekend was over, I flew back to Chicago.

Despite the increasing distance, she and her unborn baby were constantly on my mind. The answer for why is quite simple, it’s because I love them. I don’t even know the baby yet, but it doesn’t matter. Her baby, like her, is my family and they’re so important to me. I realize that love is intangible, but so moving in its intensity.

Sometimes, I forget that romantic love in a relationship is only a part of the love equation we experience in life. Even if I’ve failed to find Mr. Right, I am lucky to have an abundance of love from family and friends. I took a small detour that weekend to visit Mrs. H (and Baby S), Mrs. J, and Mrs. C (and Baby A). It was wonderful to see the girls again, wonderful to just bask in the familiarity of being with my closest friends. We’ve known each other for more than a decade now, and we’ve lived through some of our best and worst moments together. I’m so, so thankful they’re in my life.

And I’m so, so happy to welcome the newest member of my family into my heart.


passage of time

I am 33, and I’m single again.

All my closest friends, with the exception of Miss M (who is heroically working on her diss), are happily married. Mrs. H (formerly Miss H) just had her first daughter, Baby SMrs. J is expecting her first child; and Mrs. C (not “that” C) is the mother of  her “nearly 2” son, Baby A. 

Until recently, I was in a long-term relationship with Orchestra Teacher. We met in Houston during my residency, moved to Austin for my fellowship, then moved again to Chicago for my first real job as an attending. We were together for over 3 years when one day, right after the holidays, he decided he was done. The kicker was we were living together and we were talking fairly seriously about getting engaged over the last several months.

It started with him saying, hey come here we need to talk. Basically, he decided he didn’t know if he ever wanted to get married and that he didn’t want to be have to account for someone else in his life. I told him flat out, sounds like you don’t want to be in a relationship. He confirmed that he wanted to be alone. He’d been thinking about this on/off for months, and didn’t bring up even a hint of what was going on in his mind until he couldn’t stand it any longer.

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not the right beat

I never met his friends; he never met mine.

I dated EDM Guy on/off for about 3 months. Initially, I was interested in him because of his stats. He was educated, stable career, and Asian. Pretty much a guy I could probably bring home, if it worked. But after I met him, I knew that my mom wouldn’t like him because of his tattoos (on his chest, visible under his collarbone) and piercings (on his lips). Still he was engaging enough and certainly different in an interesting way for me to keep seeing him.

I was never really sure where I stood with him. I believe he’d probably say the same about me. We talked about a lot of things, but never really discussed us. I was fine with this because I was uncertain if I wanted to progress to the next step, exclusivity.

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trust your instincts

Online dating is pretty exhausting.

I tend to go through “rounds” of dates within a 2-3 week period before I decide on who I’m interested in getting to know better. This last time, I actually dated a few guys sporadically over the last 3 or so months. I usually use either Tinder or OKC to find potential dates. This round I culled 2 from Tinder, 0 from OKC, and 2 surprisingly from friends. Continue reading

feeling butterflies

I think at some point, you know when you really like someone (and definitely when you don’t).

A few of my friends (okay, a lot of them) have asked why I haven’t been blogging. I haven’t really been dating anyone interesting, but when I think about it I think it’s because I just didn’t care all that much. I’ve dated a handful of guys in the last few months: EDM Guy, Off-Shore GuySurgery Boy, and Friend of Friend. I liked them all, but not enough to consider dating any of them seriously. Continue reading

girl to girl

There’s a special covenant between a girl and her girlfriends.

I am certain my girlfriends tell their S.O.’s (significant others) about the on dits. I don’t really care if they do, as I trust them and their judgment. But there’s a line you don’t cross and once crossed there’s no going back.

I’ve already mentioned C in an earlier post. She hurt me deeply once upon a time and I was never able to fully trust her in the not quite happily ever after. I feared at some point, and she did prove me right, that she would do it again. The worst part was she did it to all of us. Continue reading

the biggest mistake

It really is a small world out there.

While out with one of my Korean guy friends, I ran into another Korean guy I used to date who I’ll refer to as Speed Crazy. He’s what the girls call my “bad boy phase.” I should have realized early on that he wasn’t good for me, but I was younger then and more foolish. What ended up happening was complete disaster. Continue reading

friends of friends

You should never make assumptions about anything.

Some of my worst dating experiences have been with friends of friends. I’ve broken my rules on multiple times in those situations and every single time I tell myself I won’t do it again, but I do. Because you know what? Hope springs eternal (as said by Alexander Pope) it’s what keeps us going, the possibility that it’ll be different and better the next time around. Continue reading