the biggest mistake

It really is a small world out there.

While out with one of my Korean guy friends, I ran into another Korean guy I used to date who I’ll refer to as Speed Crazy. He’s what the girls call my “bad boy phase.” I should have realized early on that he wasn’t good for me, but I was younger then and more foolish. What ended up happening was complete disaster.

The warning signs popped up almost immediately and I ignored them. One day, he took me out on his motorcycle and deliberately disregarded me cautioning him not to go too fast. Instead he did what he wanted, which was to rev his bike and exceed 100 mph on a local road (it wasn’t even a highway!). I clung onto him for dear life, as it was my first time on a motorcycle, and all I could think about was Miss H saying how dangerous they were. She’d apparently seen enough of the end results to know exactly how deadly they could be. I was shaking and furious by the time he stopped, yet so glad I was alive and whole.

I never told him how upset I was at that moment; all I told him was he shouldn’t have gone that fast. I’ve always been the type to want to get along with others and let things go to keep the peace. I guess I was hoping it’d be a one-time deal and nothing like this would happen again. Miss M has told me on multiple occasions that I need to be more selfish and to put myself first. But I’m an idiot and I don’t listen to good advice.

If I had listened to my instincts, I would have saved myself from a horrible situation. I can only blame myself as I made the stupid decision to go on a trip with him to New York to visit a pair of his good friends at Cornell. Prior to flying off, we had had a few disagreements about my friendships with other guys. Speed Crazy had told me he didn’t me hanging out with my guy friends, especially not alone. I wasn’t willing to stop spending time with my friends just because they were guys. I should have said I wasn’t going to tolerate his inane jealousy then, but I didn’t. I should have ended it right there with him and just gone alone to visit Cousin JT, Miss M, and Mr. Big; but I didn’t.

At first, the trip seemed okay until we had a spat (on the recurring issue of me not respecting him by not ditching my guy friends) in the parking lot while his friends were elsewhere. It only worsened afterwards with us not talking later that night and again not talking in the morning as his friends drove us into NYC. While on the way, we stopped in the middle of nowhere and his friend asked to speak to me outside. His friend told me that he wasn’t going to take me into NYC because Speed Crazy didn’t want me around and he was sorry about what was happening. I just stared at him in disbelief as his friend continued on with telling me he was dropping me here at a train station that would get me into NYC.

I should have demanded that they take me all the way, since they were going there anyway, but I just nodded at his friend and grabbed my suitcase and went into the train station. Turns out, according to Cousin JT and Miss M, they had left me basically in the ghetto. I may not have shown much backbone with Speed Crazy and his friends, but I wasn’t some shrinking violet. I didn’t panic or cry; I just routed myself to Cousin JT’s apartment on the Upper East Side. I then spent the day with her and Cousin DT before texting Mr. Big that I was in town if he wanted to hang out (this was when we were still trying to be friends in between trying to be together one last time).

I was annoyed I had gotten myself into a crappy situation, but I decided I might as well make the best of it. I was in NYC and I was with some of my very favorite people. I don’t really remember all that happened. But I do remember that Speed Crazy did text me at some point to asked if I wanted to join him. I had let him do whatever the hell he wanted without any consequence and when I should have been done with him I had let things go for the greater good. I was absolutely through being nice about the shitty things he had said and done. Cousin JT gave him a piece of her mind on the phone when he called and I just sat there because I didn’t really care anymore. I knew that it hadn’t working out weeks in advance, but I was hoping that things would get better. They didn’t. If anything, they only got worse.

Well, lesson learned.

My mistake wasn’t dating a bad boy. My mistake was not respecting myself and realizing I deserved better than someone who didn’t even trust me. But you learn more and more about who you are the more and more you live. I have scratched the surface; I need to go deeper until I am all I can be; then maybe I will know exactly what and who I am looking for.

Because if I don’t know myself, who else will?

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