through thick and thin

Good friends are worth their weight in gold.

Until college, I never had real girlfriends. Then I met the girls: Mrs. C, Miss H, and Mrs. J. Who knew that these girls, who I met during my freshman year, would be my closest friends a decade later? I suppose, as they say, the rest is history…

Except, sometimes it’s not. I have never mentioned C before because the memory of our broken friendship was still too fresh to be able to comfortably process everything. I met C when I met the girls. Together we formed a close, cohesive group for the most part. But C has had past issues with every girl with the exception of her Maid of Honor, Mrs. J.

My falling out with C occurred a few years ago over Pharmacist Guy. Looking back, I realize now that I shouldn’t have been so honest in my conversations with C about him when they were close friends. I thought we were good enough friends that she’d be my confidante. But I was wrong. And it’s the last time, I’ve let any of my girlfriends set me up with any of their really good friends. I didn’t know any better back then.

When C asked me if I was interested in Pharmacist Guy after meeting him at a social gathering. I told her I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better. She gave him my number and he asked me out on a date.We became exclusive fairly quickly because I trusted him more than I should have. It felt easy and safe because he and C were close. When I was frustrated with him, I’d talk to C and he did the same with her. C was caught in the middle when we decided to end our relationships because of irreconcilable differences . The problem was that C chose a side–his side.

At that point, I had known her for nearly 8 years and she had been friends with him for at most 2 years. I felt utterly betrayed. How could she side with him over me? I didn’t need her to take my side. All I wanted was for her to remain unbiased, at least to my face. I didn’t need her to tell me she agreed with him and to tell me I was wrong when I was hurting. I needed her to be my friend, to be supportive and be there for me, even if I was being emotional and unreasonable. That’s what friends are for.

To this day, C has never apologized for it. I eventually forgave her, but not before speaking to Miss M on multiple occasions about the situation. Miss M gave me the best advice ever. She said, sometimes friendships just don’t work out. And she asked point blank, is C’s friendship worth the work? I thought so at the time because of all the years together. I valued her enough to let it go.

This time, I can’t. Because who ditches all the girls in your wedding party? Who were your bridesmaid? Apparently, C does. And worst, she did it to Mrs. J. I’ve reached the conclusion that C isn’t worth it anymore. It’s okay when she’s only alienating me. It’s not okay when she’s doing it to all the girls. I’m not okay with her throwing away a decade worth of friendship for any reason, however many reasons she has.

The only known reason is that she has a problem with girl-get-together’s. She sent us all an explicit email:

Also, I don’t want to be difficult or cause drama, but I’m beginning to feel a little uneasy and annoyed by our cliquishness/exclusivity, especially with our “girls-only” meals.  Yes, I understand that it’s fun to hang out with the girls without guys and some of us may feel uncomfortable with significant others around, but practically every scheduled meal occasion we’ve had in the past few months (and birthdays in the past few years), have been purposely excluding guys.  I’m not trying to single anybody out and I’m definitely to blame too, so in the future, we should make an effort to not be so exclusive and welcome other people along.  We shouldn’t have to ask each other if guys are invited, blatantly label things as girls only, or tell somebody to not bring/disinvite “so and so guy.”  If it happens to be girls only, that’s fine, but leave it to chance.  Just my two cents.

I’m certain there are more reasons (there has to be) and I used to care about them, but we’ve extended the olive branch on numerous occasions only to have it thrown back. Mrs. J even invited C to watch one of their favorite TV shows, just the two of them, in case it was a problem C had with the rest of us. She declined. The last straw was when we invited C to Miss H’s birthday and she said she didn’t feel comfortable going. Clearly C doesn’t value us enough to let go of what bothers her, so why should we keep trying when she isn’t trying either?

In the end, real friends are there for you and want you there for them. Whether it’s Mrs. C listening to me rant about boys, or Miss H updating me about her hectic life, or Mrs. J inviting me out shopping with her. It’s been a decade so far with the girls and I hope for many many more to come.

Because Miss M said it best when she said: sometimes friendships are just worth it.

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4 thoughts on “through thick and thin

  1. Hands down, with no doubt, the worst people I ever dated were friends of friends. And, just like you, I always trusted them way too fast. I mean, they had already been “vetted” by my friend who set us up, so no need to worry, right? So wrong. Over the years I’ve come to realize that many people can be amazing to their friends and terrible to the people they date. While it has been a bit of a difficult realization, because it’s opened my eyes to some qualities I would rather glance over in my own friends, it has helped me not to lose any friends the way C lost you. It’s a shame she couldn’t hear about the bad in her friend without feeling the need to blame someone for it.

    — Alex at Cashmere Kangaroo

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    • I’ve had bad experiences, as I’ve detailed. That was probably the worst. But honestly, I don’t think C was ever a really good friend to me. You should judge everyone you date on the same standards, even if they are friends of friends (because it’s true, some of my guy friends do not treat their girls well but they they’re good to their friends… to each their own). Sorry you’ve had bad experiences of your own. I’d give you a real hug, if I could.

      -The Houston Girl

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    • I TOTALLY agree with this. I met a guy online who ended up being a friend of a friend. I trusted him wayyyy too fast and he ended up being the biggest douchebag. And he wasn’t even hot (!!!!) so I feel icky even thinking about him now. I have to avoid events my friend hosts at times because he will be there and I can’t face him as he was one of my worst dating mistakes EVER. I did learn 2 things from the bad experience though 1) personality is NOT enough – hotness is important, and 2) never ever lower your standards or get desperate.

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