what really counts

Nothing really counts until you’ve met the guy.

It doesn’t matter how good the messaging back and forth is until you’ve interacted one-on-one face-to-face. I’ve had great conversations with guys and wasted enough time to know how important it is to actually talk in person. I’d mentioned before how one guy had called me out on my superficiality in terms of dating, which I fully admit that I care a lot how a guy looks.

One of the most unpleasant parts of online dating is when the guy looks worse than his picture. In most cases, the guys have older photos where they look younger than they are or they are much thinner than they currently are. The term for this is “catfish.” I hate it when I’m tricked by carefully culled photos that make the guys look much better than reality.

The exact scenario occurred this past weekend via a Tinder date. The worst part was he happened to be with a girl I was already acquainted with. She introduced me to her friend and “my” date. He was much bigger than expected and a lot nerdier too, in the way he talked and acted. I supposed I should have expected that when he told me he was a Plastic Surgery resident. I like smart guys, but I’m not that attracted to outwardly nerdy guys (there’s a difference).

I was kind of stuck at that point, so I made the best of it. I think you know almost instantly when you meet someone if they are friends only material or possibly something else. He was, unfortunately, friends only. We talked, I tried to have a good time because there’s a good atmosphere at Anvil (a pricey cocktail bar in Montrose) and I’ve got a good drink in front of me, all recipes for success if he hadn’t invade my personal space. Yes, we were sitting close in the booth, but that didn’t mean he needed to scoot closer to me or try to put his arm around me. This was like 30 minutes into the date (and, that’s way too soon in any case)!

I felt like a trooper because I made it to an hour before I pulled the lame, I’m tired card (which was actually true because I was feeling droopy). I think it helped significantly that I can talk shop if I need to, although talking about doctor stuff gets tedious after a while. It’s why I typically don’t date doctors, but it’s hard when I typically like smart guys. Well this guy not only tried to put his arm around me, he also put his hand on my thigh. Again, too early, and he didn’t even have the excuse of being intoxicated!

I ended up finishing my drink and telling him point blank, I’m going to head out because it’s late and I need to sleep. He walked me to car and as I give him a goodbye hug, he somehow managed to sneak a kiss! At this point, I’m like whatever, and let him kiss me one more time because I just gave up trying to dodge. I played nice and told him to let me know how his fellowship match goes at the end of the week, but I honestly want nothing more to do with him.

I felt very uncomfortable and I felt like by being nice, I was being deceitful. It’s a strange and horrible dichotomy. I didn’t want to lead him on, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. What else could I have done?

At least, I can say I’ve met him so I know for certain that he’s not the one for me. That’s something, I suppose.

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4 thoughts on “what really counts

  1. Oh god, I always wanted to leave at the beginning of the date when they looked worse in person because it’s not fair. Kudos to you for staying as long as you did and not telling him straight up it wasn’t going to work out after he was very forward. He seems like he’s in it for a more physical relationship anyway if he’s touching you 30 minutes into the date. I think being nice at the end of the night is the best thing you can do when you’re trying to make a quick getaway, and then not responding to their texts gives the subtle “leave me alone” message. That’s what I do, anyway.

    Anvil. I see it all the time but I’ve never been inside. I may need to check it out.

    Leah

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    • Yes, Anvil has good cocktails, but can be quite crowded during the popular nights (like Friday and Saturday). If you don’t mind a crowd, check it out. It’s a pretty good mix of people. Service might be a problem if its packed.

      And my cousins told me I should have been less nice and been more mean. I guess it’s just not in it with me to be like that!

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  2. I don’t know that you should be “more mean”; just don’t go so far out of your way to be nice that a reasonable person would get the wrong idea.

    For that matter, how soon is a good time to start touching probably depends on the situation. The way you describe things, I doubt any amount of time would have been enough. I can’t imagine you were sending signals that you wanted him to, which means he was trying too hard.

    Incidentally, “catfish” technically only refers to the creation of a whole false identity, not to using an out-of-date photo of your real self. Carefully curating one’s photo gallery to present a younger/fitter self is misleading, and leads to enough bad feelings that I don’t see why anybody bothers if they actually intend to meet in person, but it’s not at the same level as pretending to be an entirely different person. On that note, have you seen the Catfish movie that the phrase comes from?

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    • No, I haven’t seen the movie. And yes, I suppose I have somewhat used the term inaccurately.

      I suppose by being “nice” and “socially appropriate” he took advantage of that, my cousins thought I should have just left or smacked him. So in comparison, I was not mean enough.

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