why do guys do that?

Guys bewilder me on a frequent basis. They shock me even more online than in real life. It’s kind of astonishing at times, what guys think they can do behind the safety of a computer screen.

I get a fair share of vulgar messages, and I know I’m not alone. Two were very memorable in such an awful way. I’d actually been on a date with one guy a few years ago, but found him too mundane for a second date.

Fast forward to the near present, he messaged, saying: Hello, didn’t we go on a date in the past?

I didn’t answer because I remembered him thanks to my annoyingly good visual memory.  Despite my lack of response, he decided to try one more time. I really wished I had kept it because it was hilarious in a sad way.

The second message went something like this: Look, I’m going to be straight up with you. I have an X long X circumference (you know what) and I’m laying out all my cards to you, take it or leave it.

I definitely did not respond. Because that’s just… I don’t even know what to say.

This week, funnily enough (as it inspired this very post), I received a sexually explicit message from a guy telling me all the things he wanted to do to my body; and yes, it was the first one he sent me.

I really do wonder if guys think saying lewd stuff is effective? I hope not, because if so, they’re seriously lacking in the intelligence quota. If they’re doing it mess with you, it’s less stupid and more irritating. Either way, it’s a waste of my time.

After weeding out the obviously inappropriate, I still have to deal with awkward, stilted back and forth conversations to figure out if it’s worth going on a date with them. When I’m lucky, the conversations are good enough to make me excited for the first date. Mostly, though, it’s a process of trying to figure out if I have enough interest to make it worthwhile.

I don’t want to waste my time or his, and I’m not going on these dates to get free dinner or drinks. I want at least the potential for good company and maybe see where things might go. If I’m for sure not interested, I don’t bother going out with them.

I once had a guy ask me in his first message if I ever thought about how the guy must feel when he spends $$ for a date and he doesn’t get anywhere or anything out of it. That was awkward. I didn’t respond, but I did think about it. I think it’s nice when guys are gentlemen and treat us on dates, and I can see how it must be frustrating for guys to be expected to pay. That’s why I try to get around it by going to coffee dates, where it’s inexpensive in terms of investment and where if it’s going poorly you can end it easily. Less grief on both ends!

Still it’s an odd issue to bring up in a first message. Another weird thing that a guy has mentioned in a first message is that he knew that he wasn’t my type, since on OkCupid I make it clear that physical attraction is highly important to me, butif I got to know him as a person I might develop feelings. Again, I didn’t respond.

I understand where he’s coming from. I can be pretty superficial, but aren’t most people? I think that’s the difference between a friend and a boyfriend, if the attraction is there or not. And, to be honest, quite a few people look worse than their online pictures. Does the term “catfish” ring any bells?

The final thing I don’t get is why guys post such awful, inane pictures of themselves! I don’t want to see your crotch, or you holding a gun, or you acting like a drunk idiot, or blurry pictures where I can’t make out your faces, or big group photos where I can’t tell which one is you (almost always the less attractive one).

So, seriously, why do you guys do that?


3 thoughts on “why do guys do that?

  1. I suspect it’s an issue of “Why do *people* do that? If you were looking at female dating profiles from a man’s perspective you would probably notice (and remember) a number that had duck-face selfies, awkward poses and effects intended to produce a slimming effect, and group shots without any indication of who you’re supposed to be looking at.

    The inappropriate emphasis on sex is probably a mostly male issue… I can only guess that it’s either trolls or people who really haven’t developed a solid theory of mind yet and don’t get that not everybody’s as horny right now as they are at the moment they decide to get online and look at dating sites.

    That said, the internet is full of people who say inappropriate things because they can, because they don’t see the human response to what they say, because anonymity protects them from repercussions. And by definition, almost everybody on a dating site hasn’t manged to find a partner yet. Obviously there will be plenty of normal folks who are too busy etc. to meet people in their daily lives, but I suspect the proportion of weirdos is higher.

    Anyway, sorry you’ve had to deal with some of the worse examples of humanity. Take care!


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